Let go of the wall.

Inversions scare me.  I always blame my height (I'm 5'9".)  With my too-long, long legs, I never feel centered. My gams are swaying in the wind!

But, I have all of the equipment necessary to go upside-down, without the use of the wall.  My abdomen is tight.  My back, shoulders and arms are strong.  But, the thought of falling - SPLAT! - on my neck is nerve-wrecking. So, I use the wall.  I don't really need it.  My toes barely touch it.  But, nevertheless,  I use the wall.  And, quite frankly, the wall has got to go. 

To understand why I can't let go of the wall, I have to understand why I, personally, use the wall in the first place.  I use the wall, not to teach me how, but because I'm afraid.  The wall is a crutch, not for my body, but for my fear! There are many yogis out there that use the wall to figure out alignment, and use the wall as a positive friend to their practice.  NOTE: I am not judging those people.  But, I am not one of them.  My wall usage is purely from fear.  I have no business being near the wall any longer.  My joints are aligned and my body is strong.  So, let's go one step deeper.  If I use the wall as a crutch for my fear even though I'm physically capable of going upside-down, why do I have the fear at all?

I fear because my mind is in the future, instead of in the present.  I'm thinking moments ahead when I, inevitably, will splat!  I already have an exit strategy before I've ever fulling experienced the pose.  Yeesh!   This makes the many other less visible crutches I've collected to placate my fear, much more visible: not raising my hand at the end of a meeting, and blaming the need for a tight schedule; not going for a job and claiming it would be a waste of time since someone else is clearly the front-runner; giving a half-assed interview because I'm not sure of where the new position would lead me; the list goes on.

I live in the future.  I am constantly thinking of the endless ways something could turn sour.  I'm always thinking of contingency plans and developing safety nets.  This has got to stop.  So, to start, I'm going to pull away from the wall - at least in the studio.  I might fall, but at least I have my mat to catch me.

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